Depressing Thoughts

I want to die, but uttering that sentence seems to turn people into gibbering fools with the emotional maturity of a blueberry scone. I wish I’d never been born, but people are quick to disagree with this personal emotional assessment. I hate my life, but given that I have a boyfriend and son who each adore me, that seems like a profoundly selfish and whiny thing to say. It takes a real effort not to hate my mother.

These are the thoughts I’ve been having this month, that I didn’t know how to speak, because I doubt strongly anyone wants to hear them. Before someone inevitably drops to the comments before reading anything beyond the first sentence let me explain: I want to die. I want to be dead. I want to stop being in constant unrelenting lifelong PAIN. But I know that my suicide is not an acceptable option. It would not end my pain, merely shift the burden of it onto my boyfriend and son, as economically dishonest as anything done by Wall Street.

And I do wish I’d never been born. Maybe my mother would’ve been happier; she could scarcely have been less happy. No one wanted me to be born when I was, and I have carried that my entire life. My mother tried, at times, to convince me the deep competitive rift I felt forming between my sister and myself was entirely my doing, and that she didn’t really prefer my sister. Maybe emotionally she still believes that, because admitting the truth wouldn’t fit in with her values system. I don’t know. I do know that being born into a family that resents you, can’t afford you, didn’t plan for you, and fundamentally does not want you is a pain that has not yet subsided with time.

And then there’s the physical pain. I really don’t talk about this much. Pain is, after all, a boring topic. But let’s get into it a little, for this occassion at least, so you can understand why it is I’m so tired of life. I have three chronic pain conditions: tendonitis, rhuematoid arhtiritis, and endometriosis. I am frequently naseous and puking, or having even grosser symptoms of stomach upset leftover from the ulcers I had earlier this year. Every single day I am in pain. The only questions are where I am in pain and how severe the pain is. My uterus, hip, knees, ankles, fingers, and lower spine are all hurting at this exact moment.

And of course, if I was wealthy or even middle class, I could address these concerns. Most women I’ve met online with endometriosis have health insurance. They can simply get the endometrial growths lasered off. I on the other hand have the same medical advancements available to me as a woman in the 1700s.

I chipped a tooth two weeks ago – one right in the front where everyone is guaranteed to look and judge me – and there is absolutely no way I can afford to get it capped, crowned, replaced, or even filed down so the sharp corner of it doesn’t cut my tongue and bottom lip. I hate looking in the mirror because I think I am disgustingly hideously ugly because we haven’t been able to afford makeup for more than a year. (If anyone wondered why I haven’t been making YouTube videos, lack of funds for simple self-care items like hair conditioner has played a huge role.)

So, here’s my whining bitching blog post. I hate my life and I wish I was dead. This is what poverty, neglect, abuse and pain does to a person. Even though I have a partner who loves me and a son who adores me, it’s not enough to counteract the lingering pains of my own horrible childhood or my multiple ailments. I think the world, at least my family, would’ve been better off without me. Certainly my own life would’ve been easier not-lived.

19 thoughts on “Depressing Thoughts

  1. Angie, my heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing. Just yesterday I was thinking about you. As someone who lives with a person who is disabled and in pain a lot I can understand where you are coming from. I also lived in pain for over 10 years with scar tissues in my leg from a grangrenous wound. My family dynamics sucked growing up too. And I often have thought and believed that my life sucked, that I wanted to die…everything you’ve just said. I am forever amazed with your honesty and authenticity. I won’t say “hang in there…it will get better.” However, I will express that you have my well wishes and moral support and that I hope things improve for you.

    • Thanks for not handing out platitudes! And thank you also for your concern. My boyfriend and I are working on money making ventures from home (turning my PDL video series into a DVD for sale, making educational kids video games, etc.) and he’s working full-time while attending university full-time. I try to remind myself that it’s supposed to get better in a few years, but without access to antidepressants, that’s a pretty hard uphill slog to climb. Thanks again and I hope things are well for you and your loved ones.

  2. Hugs. We all feel that way at times. I’ve seen your pictures and I think you are gorgeous…and I am not just saying that! RE: your tooth….is there a dental school near you? Sometimes the students will fix your teeth for free (as they need the practice). Remember, when you get to the end of your rope tie a knot and HANG ON!

  3. Hang on in there. I have been away from work for almost six months with my worse depressive episode in my 54 year life. For the first time I had some thoughts of death, scared the crap out of me. In the depth of my mind I new it would eventually pass and it has. Grab your son and partner and give them a big hug.

  4. I think that happiness is based on luck. That’s the way the ancients saw it before Christianity changed their thinking. And you’ve had a very long run of bad luck, starting with your mother and grandmother. There’s no loneliness worse than being betrayed by your parents. None. It’s also a blow to your social confidence.

    I trust you’ve done everything you can to find treatment, so the only words of encouragement I have is: luck changes (or at least there’s a high chance of it). I hope you get your disability. If my own fortunes change, I’ll try to help you.

  5. Angie, wonder if you’ve ever heard of Volunteers in Medicine and if there’s a clinic close to where you live?

    I know how it feels to deal with the daily overwhelming pain of something like endo and depression, and I’ve been fortunate enough to this point to have access to medical care. VIM exists for those who don’t. I’m starting to blog about my experiences with endo and treatment (both medical and my own personal at-home endeavors) so if I find anything that’s especially helpful, I’d be more than happy to pass along your way, if you’re interested.

    I can’t say anything will get better with certainty, but I hope it does. In the meantime, you have people rooting for you!

  6. english isn’t my native language so be patient while reading 😉

    i find it interesting that almoste every one seems to think that it is a necessity to treat their family members (parents in particular) as if they are the most important persons in their lives and that they need to whorship them just for the meer sake that they made their life possible by their fertility
    in my opinion the opposite is the case !
    family members have to prove their worth over the corse of raising their offspring
    after all that is what will influence what you will do with your live later on
    how about adopted children who got dropped somwhere in a box by there biological parents … aren’t their step parents far more important ?!
    i could keep on writing about this predigament …

    i am in no way able to judge you or your parents but from what i have seen from your blog …
    the fact that you turned out to be a decent and lovely person didn’t come from the parenting but from the fact that you broke through the veil of prejudice your parents put over you and rose from the ashes like a phenix reborn to bring your message to the public to help others

    don’t embrace the hatred you feel against your mother because hate only brings you to a dark place where you don’t want to be but don’t be greatful for the pain either …

    your life could have been easier but it could also have been worse …
    i’m sure you have influenced many peoples lives for the better and whithout you your son won’t be here and couldn’t enjoy your warmth and love
    you live now … seize the day and accept what made you the wonderful person you are

    as for your physical ailments …
    i hope you get better soon and your country starts implementing a social health system like every other “first world” country …

    shame on you america !
    the only first world country with third world health care !

    you might wanna visit cuba at some point …

    PS: i don’t think that you require any makeup or hair conditioner … on the contrary as long you have a shower and a comb your natural beaty will shine even brighter without all the plastering

  7. Angie,

    I think you’ve written a brave and well-articulated blog post. I found out about it by my husband, who was so moved by it. I interpret this as you not asking for empty well-wishes from others (you’ve probably had too many of those), but rather expressing your feelings, both emotional & physical, as an outlet for your frustrations. I do wish you well & my heart goes out to you. I imagine you as a very brave, strong woman who shows the best of your strength to others, especially your son.

    I’ve known others with each of your ailments, but no one with the amazing combination of all of them. I know the deep pain of my own mother knowing her mother didn’t want her & always preferred her older sister to her. I’ve witnessed their acts of emotional cruelty to her. I have another wonderfully sweet & kind aunt who has suffered with RA for many years. And she has suffered. Her health has bounced from good to bad and back again like a pendulum (though thankfully, she’s been in a phase of good health for a while now).

    But your ailment of endometriosis is the one I can empathize with most deeply, having lived with this for many years myself. After all my rambling above, the main reason I’m writing is to say you’re not alone in this. I’m very fortunate in these terrible economic times, and I have been able to seek good healthcare. However, I too truly suffered from my endo, and it’s something no one can understand unless they’ve had it. For years I thought the symptoms were normal & that every woman had them. I was made to feel that I just had a low threshold for my monthly pain. Turns out, it’s not normal to feel that way. It’s not normal to have such horrific cramps, bleeding, nausea, diarhea (I know, gross), and stomach pains that you can’t even get out of bed to go to work. At times I was delusional with the pain, and I’ve even passed out a couple of times from it. When I was diagnosed with endo, even after 2 surgeries to correct it (“Stage 3 endo”), I felt so alone and I felt very betrayed by my own body.

    With your combined conditions, I cannot imagine what you must go through daily. I can only hope you’re able to find some avenues of help.

    I offer the following suggestions in case you haven’t heard of them before. Maybe one will help. Forgive me if you take this as more empty well-wishing. My main reason for writing is to hopefully help you feel that you’re not alone in these.

    Hopefully, you’re pursuing disability — this takes tenacity, as the gov’t routinely denies the first few attempts (I know this from my aunt). Also, can you get Medicare for help with your physical symptoms? I know the birth control pill alone helps tremendously with endo — and Walmart has a discount prescription program for people in your shoes (I think it’s $4 per med). Or maybe Medicare could help you get surgery to correct the endo. That alone will make a world of difference in your life (trust me on this). That may even help with the symptoms of your other ailments, since they’re probably overlapping (especially pain from inflammation). There’s also an endometriosis association (run by Mary Lou Ballweg) that may be able to help you.

    One last suggestion – this takes a step away from your pride, but it would be worth it. You could set up an account on http://www.we to raise money to help with your healthcare needs. I did this earlier this year to help my cousin with paying her bills during a major medical emergency (she has insurance but she was in a coma for 5 weeks and unable to work, plus has 3 kids). We were able to raise almost $1500 – not as much as she needed, but a tremendous help to her. I was touched at how complete strangers to her donated generously. Perhaps you have a close friend who could do this for you; it’s much easier to ask (plead) for donations for someone else you love than it is to ask for money for yourself.

    Sorry for all this rambling. I truly wish you the best, and much improved health & happiness.


  8. Awh buddy, I have suffered so much since the end of last winter. for the first time ever ever, I thot if I went to sleep and never woke up, that would be cool. I just got turned down for medi-cal (no insurance), I work 7 days a week and never have any money and, and it is suckville. Am I going to commit suicide…hell no. I wish there was something I could say other than, you’re not alone (and we heart you so much). awesome buddy.


  9. Wow!! For the first time in a LONG time, I have no idea what to say. I’m always the one with the cutting putdown, the jokey quip, the sage-like advice.

    It took a lot of guts to say all that in public. They are thoughts/feelings that most of us have had at some stage in our lives but, to have them constantly must be a serious weight to bear. And it’s to your credit that you continue with your life. Yes I will totally agree with previous comments about you being extremely intelligent and stunningly attractive (even without make-up and hair conditioner) but that won’t help your thought process. What I WILL say is this — Whenever I have thought that life’s not worth living I ALWAYS reckon that, with my luck, the day after I killed myself I would win the lottery or meet the woman of my dreams. And, although I wake up the next day still poor and single, it IS a very annoying thought that succeeds in putting off my death wish.

    Apologies for not being available on Twitter. Just got bored with it. But I’m always around (Facebook most days) if you need an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on or a target to rant at.

    Hmmmmm, for someone with no idea what to say I’ve waffled long enough

    Take Care Angie

    From your friend
    Neil – @moriarty306

  10. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I have seen what chronic pain and family anguish do to people. My stepfather lives in spectacular pain, so much so that he only sleeps in two or three hour bursts round the clock. He cannot walk without crutches and it is excruciating and slow. He too was rejected and terribly abused by his mother, and I regularly see that still affect him. I know that he just values the happy times, the good times, the low-pain times and holds on to them during the darkness between. I’ve watched him struggle with it and hang on, and I am glad you are still hanging on.

    I’m not throwing a rainbow happy ending on his life, in part because he’s still living it, but also because that’s not how life is. He is still alive though, making his little differences in the world. I wish he had a blog or some other outlet for his pain like you do. I hope that getting it out there helps you. I think of you as a warrior, and seeing you living in defiance of all the pain that you’ve been dealt (by chance, not deity, obv.) is deeply inspiring.

    Would you be offended by a care package? Hubby & I have both previously been homeless and desperately poor, and now that we’re in a position that is no longer quite so precarious (only just), I’d love to help, although I do not think you are hideously ugly in any way, shape, or form. If you send an address (you can use fb or comment on my blog & I’ll pull it from moderation) I’ll drop a goodie bag in the mail. Might not pay any bills, but it might make a day or two a little brighter.

  11. (((Ang))) Thanks for this. I was just having a conversation with someone, trying to explain the difference between a “pity party” for oneself and having thoughts suicide or death for a few days; and not being able to stop those thoughts from being in your head, constantly, for weeks, months or some cases years. Even, or maybe especially, when intellectually you KNOW it’s your brain betraying you, and there’s proper treatment but it’s inaccessible.

    I ❤ you! You've got my number – and I'm fresh out of platitudes 😉

  12. Well and truly expressed sentiments, Angie! Thank you very, very much. It is infuriating not to be able to express these honest emotions openly without having people freak out and gibber inanely. I deeply appreciate your powerful statement.

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