How to Not Get Stung By Bees

It is simply shocking that in the year 2012 people are still getting stung by bees, even when we all know perfectly well the best ways to avoid this. Clearly, people are being frivolous and uncareful in their personal protection and if they took this kind of threat a bit more seriously, maybe they wouldn’t hate themselves so badly after an attack. So, in the spirit of victim-shaming, let me share with you the best methods for avoiding being stung by a bee. Remember: if you are stung by a bee, you should immediately consult this list to discover what you did wrong. It is never the bee’s fault, always yours. With that in mind, let us begin.

• Invest in the best locks and doors you can. Never enjoy a summer’s breeze. Having an unlocked or open window is like an invitation to a feisty bee to invade your home and puncture your flesh. Seriously, what are you thinking? That life is supposed to be enjoyable or something? Constant vigilance!
• Do not wear revealing clothing. Bees simply love exposed skin. They can hardly control themselves, so great is their need to sting your flesh. If you leave home in anything less than a full-body stocking (including ski mask or niqab), you only have yourself to blame for any bee stings you may endure.
• Do not wear a hairstyle which benefits your attacker. Ponytails and long hair are much easier for bees to get into. So you should never ever have these hairstyles, no matter what. Because bee sting prevention should be what you focus on constantly, not silly things like personal expression or what feels right.
•  Don’t walk alone. If you have a friend with you, there’s a good chance the bees will go after your friend instead! You can leave the attack unscathed. Call it the “buddy system.”  (This may not work if an entire swarm of bees are involved, but never mind that.)
• Do not plant flowers, walk near flowers, sniff flowers, wear floral prints, or floral scented perfumes. Seriously, if you’re going to just BAIT the bees like that, you can hardly expect them NOT to sting you. You’re practically asking for it.
• Do not take public transportation as bees sometimes get inside subway trains, buses and taxi cabs. If you cannot afford your own transportation, maybe you should just stay at home all the time with the windows closed. It’s not like you wanna get stung, right?
• Don’t look like a victim. If you’re sad or scared, pretend you aren’t. Bees can smell fear you know. Also never drink something unless you’re absolutely certain a bee hasn’t tampered with.
• Learn martial arts. It doesn’t matter if you’re infirm, disabled, or have serious health concerns that make self-defense an unrealistic past time for you. If you are not at least a 5th degree black belt, clearly you are not doing enough to protect yourself from bee stings. Also Chuck Norris.
• At all times be armed with a bee whistle and insect repellent. If you get stung and you did not first blow into your bee whistle and discharge your insect repellent, we’ll have to wonder how hard you were really trying to avoid getting stung. If you leave your bee whistle or insect repellent at home, it is understood you are asking to be stung by not taking sensible precautions.
• Remember, if you are stung, it should not be the burden of taxpayers or the local hospital to cover the cost of your anaphylactic shock medication. You were the one who got stung, not me. You can pay for your own medical treatments. If you don’t want the long-term consequences of an untreated bee sting, perhaps you should buy a separate insurance rider for that kind of thing. Like having a spare tire in your car; it’s just good preparedness.

Join us next week for an in depth analysis of the best ways to avoid becoming a yellow jacket sting victim.