How to Not Get Stung By Bees

It is simply shocking that in the year 2012 people are still getting stung by bees, even when we all know perfectly well the best ways to avoid this. Clearly, people are being frivolous and uncareful in their personal protection and if they took this kind of threat a bit more seriously, maybe they wouldn’t hate themselves so badly after an attack. So, in the spirit of victim-shaming, let me share with you the best methods for avoiding being stung by a bee. Remember: if you are stung by a bee, you should immediately consult this list to discover what you did wrong. It is never the bee’s fault, always yours. With that in mind, let us begin.

  • Invest in the best locks and doors you can. Never enjoy a summer’s breeze. Having an unlocked or open window is like an invitation to a feisty bee to invade your home and puncture your flesh. Seriously, what are you thinking? That life is supposed to be enjoyable or something? Constant vigilance!
  • Do not wear revealing clothing. Bees simply love exposed skin. They can hardly control themselves, so great is their need to sting your flesh. If you leave home in anything less than a full-body stocking (including ski mask or niqab), you only have yourself to blame for any bee stings you may endure.
  • Do not wear a hairstyle which benefits your attacker. Ponytails and long hair are much easier for bees to get into. So you should never ever have these hairstyles, no matter what. Because bee sting prevention should be what you focus on constantly, not silly things like personal expression or what feels right.
  •  Don’t walk alone. If you have a friend with you, there’s a good chance the bees will go after your friend instead! You can leave the attack unscathed. Call it the “buddy system.”  (This may not work if an entire swarm of bees are involved, but never mind that.)
  • Do not plant flowers, walk near flowers, sniff flowers, wear floral prints, or floral scented perfumes. Seriously, if you’re going to just BAIT the bees like that, you can hardly expect them NOT to sting you. You’re practically asking for it.
  • Do not take public transportation as bees sometimes get inside subway trains, buses and taxi cabs. If you cannot afford your own transportation, maybe you should just stay at home all the time with the windows closed. It’s not like you wanna get stung, right?
  • Don’t look like a victim. If you’re sad or scared, pretend you aren’t. Bees can smell fear you know. Also never drink something unless you’re absolutely certain a bee hasn’t tampered with.
  • Learn martial arts. It doesn’t matter if you’re infirm, disabled, or have serious health concerns that make self-defense an unrealistic past time for you. If you are not at least a 5th degree black belt, clearly you are not doing enough to protect yourself from bee stings. Also Chuck Norris.
  • At all times be armed with a bee whistle and insect repellent. If you get stung and you did not first blow into your bee whistle and discharge your insect repellent, we’ll have to wonder how hard you were really trying to avoid getting stung. If you leave your bee whistle or insect repellent at home, it is understood you are asking to be stung by not taking sensible precautions.
  • Remember, if you are stung, it should not be the burden of taxpayers or the local hospital to cover the cost of your anaphylactic shock medication. You were the one who got stung, not me. You can pay for your own medical treatments. If you don’t want the long-term consequences of an untreated bee sting, perhaps you should buy a separate insurance rider for that kind of thing. Like having a spare tire in your car; it’s just good preparedness.

Join us next week for an in depth analysis of the best ways to avoid becoming a yellow jacket sting victim.

36 thoughts on “How to Not Get Stung By Bees

  1. I should totally use this argument on people. At 42 I’ve actually never been stung by any kind of bee/wasp/stinging thing. I haven’t done any of those things, though, other than the not planting flowers.

  2. Brilliant piece! I was stung by bees many times as a child (literally), and I was probably asking for it at eight years old in those atrocious 80s style shorts and t-shirts. :/ For a hilarious twist, my six year old brother got stung in the ear once XD

  3. When I was 5, I was at the allotment with my mum. It was autumn (fall :-D) and we had a lovely heap of yellow leaves in the compost heap. There was a railing around it. My mum put me in and I jumped up and down on them to a) have 5 year old fun and b) help them rot! Unfortunately it contained a bee’s nest . . . Well . . . I panicked and couldn’t get out, my mum came running – the bees flew after me and she had to dunk me in the tank underwater to stop them – she lost her glasses doing that and then had to drive me to the nearest house (some distance away) . . .

    I think I would have done the same if I was those bees – it was their house I was jumping up and down on! Oddly I have never been scared of insects since. 🙂

    Y’know, it’s just as much a crime for a woman to go into town wearing a pretty dress and not carrying an alarm. If a man sees her Flesh and is awakened by Lust, that is of course entirely her responsibility, as being God’s creature he has lost all control and is sure she wants it too. (Sorry, how could I resist?!)

  4. I love this! Victim-blaming and shaming is so revoltingly common.

    I had a recent conversation with someone who I won’t name who was speaking of a woman he knows who “put herself in that situation,” for drinking at a party. No, she only put herself in the position of drinking and being at a party. It was her attackers who put her in the position of being raped.

    At least the bees, in reality, are blameless. They only sting to defend their hive or when otherwise threatened (and in the latter case, they’ll usually just fly away.) They don’t want to sting anyone as it kills them. (I actually have a terrible phobia of bees.) It’s the asshole yellow jackets that will sting without provocation.

    • My fiancee is actually allergic to bee stings, which inspired this post. Even with his higher-risk, no one would actually expect him to follow all the tips on this list. That would be insane. But women are supposed to be on constant lookout for rapists! Something about that seems screwy.

  5. Reblogged this on Pecan Pie and commented:
    Amazing what a bit of snark can do to the totally ridiculous habit of victim-shaming by the public at large. If it seems stupid for you to be expected to do things in any other normal environment, then believe me, women also think its stupid for us to be expected to do it to avoid “inviting” the sting.

  6. Why would you post something like this? People that are allergic, in the way that I am, are looking for a way to keep the bees calm and stop them from stinging. All you have done is try to make some kind of joke. I came here for help because if I know how to keep the bees calm I wont have a panic attack every time I see one. I might even be able to live a life free of fear. Thank you for being a total useless piece of journalistic garbage. If I had one wish it would be to rid the world of self important people like you who want nothing more than to feel a sense of superiority. That said, it was well written, just wish it had been what I was looking for.

    • Sorry to hear you are allergic to bees; so is my fiancee. This was intended to be an analogy for the “don’t get raped” tips women are bombarded with. My fiancee would never be expected to live life like this just to avoid bee stings, but women are told we should live this way to avoid rape. That said, orange oil extract is a fantastic natural insect repellant that smells terrific and is safe to use even on infants and children.

  7. I think it is stupid. So what do I do? SHAVE MY HEAD BALD! And wear a hat with a sweater and jeans with gloves. And what do I do to get to work? Do I just sit at home and get fired. What if I need to go shopping. And havig your friend be stung by a bee. That is just cruel. And what is a bee whistle? Your last one is rude too. OH IT IS NOT MY FALTER YOU GOT STUNG YOU DIDN’T FOLLOW THE RULES. YOU NEED HELP AND A MASTERS DEGREE

    • It really would be cruel to blame someone for something they couldn’t reasonably prevent, like a bee sting. That’s why I chose this for my rape analogy about why victim-blaming is wrong. If you look at the links embedded in each and every “tip” you’ll notice that it goes directly to a website giving equally insulting and impractical advice to women as a way to “avoid getting raped.”

      I don’t actually think it’s anyone’s fault if they get stung by a bee OR if another person violates them.

      • Allow me to translate Cleo’s post to the relevant topic at hand:

        “So what do I do? WEAR A BURQA! And wear a covering veil with a sweater and jeans and gloves. And what do I do to get around? Do I just sit at home and avoid society altogether. What if I need to go shopping. And having your friend with you at all time so you don’t get raped. That shouldn’t be necessary. And a rape whistle? OH IT IS NOT MY FAULT YOU GOT RAPED YOU DIDN’T FOLLOW THE RULES. YOU NEED HELP AND A— ohhh wait, I get it now!”

  8. Very clever analogy. (I personally preferred someone who used car crashes as an analogy, but bee stings work too. Or anything, really.) It’s a very good way to show up victim-blaming as the logic fail it is.

    Unfortunately, it seems like half of the readers missed the point.

  9. Reblogged this on Starfia and commented:
    As someone who was raped, this speaks volumes to me. No I wasn’t dressed like a slut, I wasn’t outside in the dark on my own. Don’t blame the victim.

  10. You can’t be serious. Either this entire thing is satire or you’re crazy. Bees aren’t out to get you. And your “precautions” are very silly. Don’t take public transportation? So what you’re saying is, become a hermit with closed windows in fear of a bee sting. Wow.

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