When You Hate Abortion, You Hate Me

In February 2010 I had a well publicized medical abortion. At 4 weeks 6 days I terminated a doomed pregnancy which was causing me tremendous deleterious health effects and I have suffered no long term health effects from the procedure. But I find I feel very differently about the abortion debate.

It used to be I could hear an abortion rights opponent say they hated abortion, and I’d just think “So don’t have one” and move on. It used to be I could hear a cowardly abortion rights supporter saying that she’d never *personally* have one of those morally icky-poo abortions, but she sure wanted to make sure women less together could end their unwanted pregnancies, and I’d say “Whatever, at least she votes pro-choice.”

Now I find it a little hard not to take it personally. When people, especially people who already know me and my story and that I’m alive today thanks to abortion, tell me that they hate abortion or they don’t like abortion or abortion gives them the sads, it’s like they are saying they hate me or don’t like me or me being alive gives them the sads.

I’m not saying this so I can whine. I’m saying this so people can have the knowledge. Remember 1 in 3 women have had an abortion, including women in your pro-life or pro-choice circle, including me. When you talk about abortion in a negative light, you’re talking about the lives saved by abortion in a negative light. You are saying my life is worth so little I should have died rather than have a procedure which gives you the sads.

I guess moral of the story is, try not to be a douche. There are millions of reasons women get abortions but there are also really only two: The pregnancy is unwanted or the pregnancy is unsafe. It isn’t good for women or children to make women feel obligated to carry any pregnancy to term that they don’t want to, even in “healthy” pregnancies. Abortion is not a less responsible choice than parenting or adoption placement. Abortion is not a morally worse choice than parenting or adoption placement. “My side” especially needs to get this.

If you’ve never had an abortion, you are not a better woman than I am. You are a luckier woman perhaps or an infertile woman or a celibate woman, but not better based solely on this metric. We have to give abortion the credit it deserves and we have to give women the permission and space to talk about ALL of their abortion feelings – ranging from sadness and regret to joy and relief.

Keeping abortion secretive and stigmatized compromises its safety and compromises the safety of providers. It’s a lot easier for abortion rights opponents to spin evil tales about abortion providers when so many on the pro-choice side won’t stand up and say how awesome abortion can be.

8 thoughts on “When You Hate Abortion, You Hate Me

  1. I appreciate your opinion, but I don’t think I hate you because I can be pro-choice and choose not to abort save for medical reasons like yours. I agree that abortion should not secretive, treated as a medical practice, and should be available to all women who want it.

    But I still wouldn’t personally want to have one unless I needed to. There’s nothing wishy-washy about advocating for everyone’s right to choose as they please.

    • My point is there are ways to talk about this without casting abortion as an immoral evil choice that only women in dire jeopardy ever choose. It’s inaccurate and insulting to the one in three women who terminate. If you haven’t had to terminate, that’s great, but it says nothing about who you are, just what particular struggles you may not have had.

  2. “I wouldn’t have an abortion unless I needed to.” I always hear this and it always confuses me. South Park even made fun of it. It’s not as if there’s a trend sweeping the nation of young girls getting pregnant on purpose so they can go get abortions. Considering the cost, time investment, and social stigma associated with getting an abortion, I’d be surprised if many people got one when they really didn’t need it. I think “I wouldn’t have an abortion unless I needed to” is the default position most women take, similar to how I wouldn’t have open heart surgery unless I needed to.

    • There are alternatives to abortion that do not include execution without due process. A little different from open heart surgery wouldn’t you say?

      • There were no alternatives to abortion that wouldn’t result in my execution without due process due to a fatal pregnancy.

        See how you’re completely ignorant here?

  3. Yeah, “I wouldn’t have an abortion unless I needed to” is a way to fight this straw man myth, similar to the mythical welfare queen, of some women who are running around skipping all possible pregnancy prevention options because they can always have an abortion. That woman does not exist. I don’t know any woman who is like, “Score! Abortion exists! Now I can have all the totally unprotected sex I want because I can just walk into one of those Planned Parenthoods and get rid of it. Easy as giving blood!” We all know this situation and this woman does not exist. Because as you said, every abortion is a needed abortion. And the women who will put their pro-choice stance this way are kind of cowards. They’re still kow-towing to the man and the patriarchy’s anti-woman stance. Abortion is FINE. Stop being afraid to say so, my fellow women.

  4. I would rather die than kill a child if I had to die to give birth to my child that does not belittle my life I’m pregnant with my first child at 18 and I’m so proud I never looked at abortion I could never especially after hearing women abuse it like it’s birth control maybe some women need to die because this law needs to end it’s disgusting and my friend will die if she gets pregnant that doesn’t mean she is entitled to killing a baby because she got pregnant dont put yourself in that situation. There are so many women who regret it so many women that can’t take it back and it is mostly because everyone tells them they have to. I could never give up my precious daughter I love her so much and she’s already my life. For you to post this it is just out of spite your telling me you think abortion should stay just to help women who got pregnant and their not suppose to maybe I do think so little of your live! Thousands of poor children could be saved if this law was never made they grind up babies that have hair, facial features, are human and they especially can feel pain and most of the women who use abortion arn’t the ones are really need it they are idiotic whores who just didn’t feel like using protection. Do you think it’s ok to grind up a child even if you felt horrible about or you wish their was another way I wouldn’t hate you but you show non of that so yes you are close to nothing and you agree with baby killers it was never about women’s rights please… What about rights to a human being I have never been pro abortion and I never will be I had sex unprotected and it’s my responsibility to give my daughter the life she deserve you would feel alot different if you saw the baby grow in your stomach feel the little flutters of your child’s movements and just feel this love you never before it’s a beautiful gift that’s so abused these days I hope and pray to god that one day everyone will see this law is wrong and that their murdering people… Please stop abortion it’s not fair to those babies stop killing them it’s not their fault…

    • How would my death be fair? If the embryo’s death was unfair, how would both of us dying in a DOOMED pregnancy be any better? It wouldn’t. It would be far worse. For one thing, I WOULD BE DEAD right now. So would the embryo – it had no chance at life whatsoever. If I’d died during pregnancy, I would’ve taken it with me. My son, who is now seven and has never had to experience the heart-wrenching loss of his mother, would be in foster care, and almost certainly less loved.

      Also, the vast majority of people terminate well before any flutters of fetal movement are discernible, in the first 10 weeks of pregnancy. Women who terminate late enough to feel fetal movement are generally women who wanted their pregnancies and have to terminate to save their lives or prevent birthing a child who will suffer horribly and die within moments. Please consider the cruelty of your words.

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