I’m not the woman you thought you’d be at this age, for better and for worse. I’ve learned some things you don’t know that I wish you always had.
Right now you think girls are drama. You think hanging out with boys is safer, because you don’t know how to be when you’re with girls. Part of this discomfort comes from you being a lesbian but not being ready to say so. Between your family and church, I understand why you’re not ready. Some day you will be, and by then Mom will be ready to hear it.
I wanna warn you about boys though. They have some issues we need to discuss. As boys they’ve been taught that they matter. They are the heroes of the story and the girls are just their trophies.
They say you’re “one of the guys” but they don’t really mean it. They will always treat you differently, always try to date or fuck you.
One of the guys you call your brothers in your Shadow Run group is going to try to rape you. He won’t succeed but the experience will harm you anyway. You won’t be able to see him without dissolving into panic but you will have to see him, because the other boys won’t stop being his friend even when you tell them the truth.
You need girl friends and girlfriends. Hiding from femininity won’t keep you safe from men. But having a strong network of supportive, empowering, “man-hating” women friends will help you escape the problems of boys and men, make you rely on them less, and help you believe you deserve better.
You are like all the other girls and that’s a good thing.