Despair is undignified, graceless and ugly. I count everything by its cost and nothing by its gain. I feel like the emptiness inside will swallow me whole, and worse that no one will care. I am writing to prove I can, even as I feel I can’t. I am writing to scream my right to exist in the hopes one day I’ll believe it.
I’m sorry you’re in such pain. Your living matters very much to me. Think of depression as an illness. The thoughts your having about worthlessness are not due to anything real. It’s pain along the emotional, rather than the physical axis, I hope you understand. It’s feeding those memories and thoughts to you. Try to steer your mind away from memories and thoughts that get you down. Create ones that lift you or inspire you.
I hope you get through this. If you need help, I might not be able to offer much. I’m in a different state and I’m impoverished myself, but I can listen. Just let me know.
Well yes and no. I absolutely have a brain illness impacting my thoughts and emotions but I also have crushing poverty legitimately making tjings hard-to-impossible.
Poverty is a far less tractable problem, especially when you have disabilities. Have you thought of some kind of self-employment? (I know this blog is one example). I might recommend fiction writing. It would seem with your background you have enough material for it. I must give a caveat: that’s helped me psychologically, yet so far I haven’t made a thing from it. I’m trying to change that.
I read about a woman in college who paid her tuition by making and selling jewelry from her dorm room. I do have a friend in my writers’ group who does the same thing out of semi-precious stones. I don’t know how much she makes from it, though. At least if you’re self-employed, you could work when you’re not so down or in physical pain.
I’m in poverty, but I’ll admit, it’s not crushing. I get disability and I’m in a position where I’m able to control my costs very well. I’m living on the bare minimum, though. One crisis could make it crushing.
You likely thought of all this by now, but I’m trying to help, and sorry if all this misses the mark.