Growing Up Weird

I grew up in such a weird little cult with so many oddities, sometimes I forget how far from normal I still am. I feel so woefully unprepared for adulthood. Somehow as an adult I’m supposed to be able to manage money and keep house and raise my child and somehow manage to do all three every day. Simply tracking all the tasks that need doing wears me out before I’ve started half the time. The older I get, the less capable I feel.

There are so many things I don’t know how to do, and don’t know how to get started on learning. Adulthood is a lot harder than I thought it would be. Some of that is this economy. A lot of that is due to me becoming disabled and impoverished as a result. But a lot of it just feels like me, not knowing how to decide the simplest things like where to put unopened mail and how often to open it.

Living without much furniture doesn’t help. Eating dinner over the sink without a plate because I didn’t remember to wash them until dinner was late feels pretty profoundly un-adult, yet there I am at least twice a week. I wish I’d done things in the proper order, with adequate support. As it is, I feel very untethered and overwhelmed  most of the time, and I also feel like it’s impossible to catch up. I think I’ve felt that way since my teen years, like it’s already too late for me.

Treating depression requires executive function skills that depression depletes. In my city it also requires a car because the places that accept Medicaid are nowhere near to where I live, and the bus doesn’t connect the directly. I wish so much that I had a normal family that had never been damaged by a narcissist and a cult that I could turn to. That could be turned to.

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